


Not The Story You Wanted (But the One I Needed to write)

by SkywardGeek



Series: Original Works [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, F/F, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 01:50:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12924771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkywardGeek/pseuds/SkywardGeek
Summary: The author was feeling a little down and decided to express herself in a way that doesn't lead to the harm of fictional characters.





	Not The Story You Wanted (But the One I Needed to write)

 

If you’re looking for a happily ever after, you won’t find it here. This isn’t one of those stories. This isn’t a story at all. Stories have endings. But the characters in this tale are stuck in a loop until they die. Then, and only then, will their stories end.

 

It begins the same. They become friends. As close as one can be to another. Sharing almost everything. _Almost_. Everyone has secrets and they both know they’d be fools to think they know everything about the other person. But they know enough, more than enough. And it draws them to each other. Moths to flames. But flames burn if the moth gets to close.

 

One of them breaks. And always the same one. She admits it. She hasn’t been hurt in the same way, doesn’t feel the need to deny it, doesn’t see it as weakness. Just feels it. And feels it so strongly. It consumes her thoughts, her day dreams. The words she chooses, the emojis she uses, all selected with care. She doesn’t want the one she feels this way for to feel overwhelmed or pressured because she’d been too forceful. She doesn’t want the one she feels this way for to feel as though this was all a joke or something not to be taken seriously. She should have chosen her words more carefully.

 

The one she likes thinks it’s a joke. Brushes her off because she doesn’t want to, isn’t ready to believe that someone likes her so strongly yet. So she insists. And is rebuffed.

 

She retreats. Whether from the person or into herself, she doesn’t know. But a part of her breaks off and she can’t find it in the mess of her feelings. She’s lost it. Her white butterfly has flown away. But she carries on because the friendship matters too. She supports her. She calls her at 4am when she knows that the one she likes is hurting and there isn’t anyone else who cares as much as she does. There can’t be. So she takes every call, answers every message. Because it’s the friendship that matters. That’s what she tells herself. That white butterfly flew away but there are times she can see it in her peripheral.

 

It all ends so suddenly. An explosive fight about nothing that destroys everything. All pent up anger pours from her mouth, the hurt and confusion sweeping over her, drowning her. She realises in that moment that she can’t do this. She can’t feel this way anymore. The one she likes won’t ever like her in the way she wishes. The one she likes has her own issues, beyond what she can fix, beyond what she can even fully understand.

 

They go separate ways. Different directions. But moths to flames. Days, months, years of separation didn’t last. A message, one that wasn’t expecting a reply. But she replied anyway. And the flame grew brighter and the moth grew closer and the heat was more intense. But fire cannot feel heat, and a moth will only burn.

 

They are friends. And then she feels it. Those feelings she was so sure she was rid of. She carries them with her, finally understanding their burden. They stay by her side, even when she runs from them, confronts them, hides them away. They are still there. They are right next to her when she tries to move past them, and they are right there when she lies in bed at night, counting the hours that pass her by.

 

So she repeats the cycle. Because she knows she’s trapped in this loop. She tells the one she likes. She tells them in a way that they cannot doubt. The one she likes likes her back. But that isn’t the end of it. There is never an end to this. There is no answer. No yes, and no no. She’s caught in limbo, foolish hope warring with hollow despair. She settles on neither. She agrees to a suggestion that she knows better than to agree with. Put a Pin in it. Until there is a time more convenient to address it. But there is never a convenient time. There is only this limbo. Because no answer is forthcoming.

 

The one she likes values her friendship too much to risk it. Which is bittersweet in its sentimentality. She values the one she likes too much to risk hurting her by pushing for an answer. But the absence of an answer is surely an answer in and of itself. It’s just one that lacks closure.

 

She knows what she must do. Deep down. And it’s tearing her up inside. She has a choice to make. And the options need to weighed and measured. She needs to choose carefully, but life has shown her she’s bad at choosing. She needs to leave and never look back. She needs to stay and look after the one she likes. Because the one she likes needs her. And it’s so good to feel needed. But- and she is starting to believe this now- surely it feels better to be wanted.

 

She knows the choice she needs to make, the one that will be best for them both in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> To anyone who reads this, thank you.
> 
> I recently expressed my feelings to a long time crush and as I'm sure you can tell it hasn't/isn't going well
> 
> This is the first time I'm posting anything original, and I promise it won't happen often.
> 
> I just really needed to get this out of my head and the easiest way is on paper/on screen.
> 
> So thank you once again if you read this until the end.
> 
> (Unbeta'd so it's kind of a piece of crap)


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